Demolition Man

Demolition Man is a 1993 action film staring Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes. In the not too distant future of 1996, the city of Los Angeles is kind of a shithole. Simon Phoenix (Snipes) is a crazy criminal who has kidnapped a bus full of people and LAPD Sgt. John Spartan (Stallone) wants to save them. Unfortunately for Spartan, Phoenix is batshit insane and blows up his own hideout. Spartan takes the blame for the hostage death but arrests Phoenix in the process. Because this is 1996 and therefore the future, criminals aren't placed in prison. They are cryogenically frozen for their prison sentence. Both Spartan and Phoenix get 70 years without parole. Fast forward to 2032. Things are much better in the city of San Angeles, where crime is practically nonexistent and everyone is a giant pussy. Phoenix somehow gets a parole hearing and escapes. Not having any experience with dangerous criminals the SAPD defrosts Spartan to catch Phoenix. Spartan happens to get paired up with the only cop who happens to like shit from his time period, Lenina Huxley (Sandra Bullock). Spartan corners Phoenix at a museum where they have a shootout with guns that are technically 40 year old museum pieces. Because the future doesn't have guns. Phoenix escapes and runs into the leader of SA, Dr. Raymond Cocteau (Nigel Hawthorne). Phoenix tries to kill Cocteau but can't, because while he was on ice, Cocteau had him reprogrammed. He did this because he wanted an assassin to kill the only threat to his power, the leader of the Scraps resistance group, Edgar Friendly (Dennis Leary). Spartan shows up and Phoenix runs off, leading Cocteau to thank Spartan for saving his life by inviting him to Taco Bell. According to Huxley, Taco Bell won the Franchise Wars, and therefore all restaurants are Taco Bell. During that dinner the Scraps attack. Spartan singlehandedly defeats them, but he notices that they only wanted some food. He snaps ant Cocteau and Huxley takes him home. She then askes him if he wants to have sex. Caught completely off guard, Spartan says yes so Huxley brings out her sex helmets. In the future "fluid transfer" is bad because fear of AIDS or some shit so these sex helmets are how people bang. It freaks out Spartan and he leaves to go watch security footage of Phoenix and Cocteau talking. The next day he takes Huxley and some other officer who has a name that I forget intothe sewers in an attempt to find Friendly before Phoenix can get to him. By this time Phoenix has convinced Cocteau to unfreeze some of his old crew. In the underground area where the Scraps live, Spartan eats a rat burger and finds an old car that looks pretty good for being 70 years old. He meets up with Friendly and saves him from Phoenix, but phoenix escapes again. Deciding to action hero for a bit, Spartan and Huxley take the old car and chase after Phoenix,who stole their squad car. The chase ends at the police station where Phoenix gets away. He then gets one of his crew to kill Cocteau. Phoenix then heads back to the cryo-prison to release everyone. Spartan puts Huxley to sleep to keep her safe and goes after Phoenix. A huge climactic fight takes place and Spartan kills Phoenix. Friendly and the police chief get together and try to figure out what to do next, but Spartan is too busy kissing Huxley to give a shit. Then the credits roll. But we never find out how to use the three shells.

Requested by the far-off future of 1996

Okilly Dokilly

I am not exactly sure what I expected when I heard that there was a Ned Flanders (from The Simpson's) themed metal band. As someone who doesn't really listen to metal music, I can't tell you if they are even that good. What I listened to so far just sounds like every other metal band out there. I'm sure that I'm missing all the subtle nuances that make every metal band different and -~*Speshul*~- but I don't really care. It sounds like someone destroying their vocal cords for a form of music that doesn't intrest me. However, Okilly Dokilly does do something that interests me: taking a silly idea and running with it. When you see a bunch of guys dressed in green sweaters the last thing you expect them to play is metal. Maybe Christian Rap, but not metal. I wouldn't buy any of the stuff that these guys put out, but only because I am not a big metal fan. You can find them on Youtube so why spend money anyway? I wonder what's next. Continuing The Simpson's theme would be an interesting challenge. How about a Homer Simpson themed hair metal band?

Requested by me, because the premise is silly

The Sims 4 Wicked Woohoo Mod

You know, porn has become really easy to get nowadays. What with the internet and all that. I mean, no matter where you are you are always just two clicks from black cocks. But for some people that is just too easy. So they make sex mods for video games. The Sims 4 was EA's latest attempt to run the Sims series into the ground at terminal velocity. With less everything than Sims 3 and expansion packs that add far less stuff than its predecessor, Sims 4 is kind of a shit show. But of course I bought it when it came out because I just love playing god. Unlike some people I know, when I play The Sims, I try to push the limits of the AI to see how the game reacts to certain situations. In one game I made it so an entire generation of children all had the same father, just to see if the AI would disable relationship banning to maintain population levels (it did but things got out of hand really quickly: everyone hated each other.) In another game I created a town with only four residents just to see what happens, (again everyone ended up hating eachother, but for different reasons.) So yeah, I am like a scientist without morality when I play The SimsWhat never crossed my mind was having my test subjects procreate in a visually stimulating manner for my entertainment. But someone wanted that shit and spent years working on it. The Wicked Woohoo mod, because sex is called woohoo in the game, adds the ability to make your sims have sex. So after I reinstalled Sims 4 to my computer and did all the things necessary for using mods, I installed the Wicked Woohoo mod. After messing around with the settings to make sure everything worked properly, I started the game with a new household. Subject 1 was an adult male of average hight and size, with a seventies porn mustache. Subject A was an adult female with a mohawk. I made them get busy for a bit and the entire experiance was just kinda boring for me. I got to watch two cartoon characters thrust into each other for 30 minutes as I examined all of the different positions available to choose from. It was really kind of tame when you compare it to some of the hardcore shit you see on the internet. So with my research done I removed the mod and replaced it with one that gives me the ability to change last names, because you can't do that normally. In the end the whole thing was kind of boring, but if your thing is watching cartoons bang than by all means go for it. The creator obviously put a lot of work into this and I applaud that kind of effort and dedication. Shine on you pervy diamond. Now to see if I can make a sim want to see his own child dead. (No joke, in Sims 3, sometimes a sim would want to see the ghost of their greatest enemy, implying that they want to see that sim fucking die)

Requested by Specdrag88

Mass Effect Trilogy Part 3

All right, time for the grand finale. This game opens with Commander Commander Shepard discharged from the Alliance military and awaiting trial for blowing up a star system. Fortunately for him, admirals Hacket and Anderson have his back so six months have passed without the trial starting. Anyway, Shepard is also a member of the "Reaper" committee due to being one of the only people in the galaxy that actually knows what the hell "Reapers" are. So the committee want to speak with Shepard because they think fucking judgement day has arrived. James Vega, the marine who has been guarding Shepard for the last six months, takes Shepard to the committee. On the way they pass by Kaiden, who has both been promoted and has removed the stick from his ass. The committee tells Shepard that they think the "Reapers" have attacked and they want his opinion on how to fight them. Unfortunately for them the "Reapers" have good sense of dramatic timing, and choose this moment to attack earth and blow up the committee quarters. Only Shepard and Anderson seem to survive so Anderson calls Kaiden and James and tells them to get to the Normandy. Shepard and Anderson fight their way through "Reaper" forces and make it to the Normandy where Anderson reinstates Shepard and tells him to go to the Citadel and get help. Anderson stays on Earth to lead the defence against the "Reapers." Right before they leave Earth, Shepard has to watch a little boy blow up. So already the game starts with a laugh riot. Before they get that far from Earth, Hacket calls Shepard to tell him that Liara is on Mars looking for some Prothean data that can stop the "Reapers" so Shepard needs to get his ass over there right quick. When he gets there, Shepard finds some Cerberus soldiers are attacking the base and they attack him. After ending those assholes and getting into the Mars base, Shepard meets up with Liara and they team up to find the data, that apparently is about some "Reaper"killing weapon called "The Crucible." The Illusive Man beats them to it with this fembot and a chase ensues. The bot almost gets away but James decides that seatbelts are for pussies, and crashes his transport ship into the robots transport ship.  The robot survives and almost kills Kaiden but Shepard puts it down. With Kaiden seriously injured and Earth under attack, Shepard takes the fembot and makes a beeline to the Citadel. Once there Kaiden gets sent to the hospital where he lies comatose until Shepard completes one story mission. Shepard loves futile efforts so he tries to get the council to send help to earth, but they all decide to say "fuck that noise" and turtle up. The Turian counselor however, realises that Shepard is a badass and gives him an option. Shepard can get the Turian, Krogan, and Salarian leaders togeather for an alliance meeting. Having no other option Shepard goes to the Turian homeworld of Palaven, which is already being sieged by the "Reapers." Landing on Palaven's moon, Shepard learns that the current Primarch is dead but his successor is on the moon somewhere. Garrus shows up and decides to come with Shepard because Garrus is a bro. Shepard finds Victus and tells him that he needs to lead his people and the best way to do that is to come with Shepard and form an alliance with the Krogans and Salarians. After picking up Victus, EDI decides that she wants to have a body and she hacks the robot that almost killed Kaiden. Taking a side trip to Eden Prime to pick up a Prothean artifact. Cerberus is there fucking shit up. After fighting through them, Shepard learns that the artifact is actually a Prothean that has been in cryostasis for the last 50,000 years. His name is Javik and he is pissed. Shepard askes him if he wants to be a bro, and Javik is all for it despite the fact that he calls everyone "primitives." Next Shepard goes back to the Citadel to check on Kaiden, he's fine. After that Wrex shows up and promises that if Shepard can cure the Genophage, the Krogan will work with the Turians and Salarians to help save the galaxy. The Salarian Dalarrass, their leader, is having none of that shit and tells Shepard that the krogan aren't worth the risk. Wrex is a bro so Shepard tells the Dalatrass to cram it. Wrex tells shepard that someone on the Salarian homeworld pf Sur'kesh has been feeding him information about a cure so that is the next stop. After some shenanigans with a "Krogan Airdrop" Shepard finds out that Mordin is Wrex's inside source and he has a cure. The cure is inside the body of Eve, a Krogan female who survived Mordin's old apprentice and his experiments in trying to cure the Genophage. Cerberus shows up and starts wrecking shop but Shepard puts a stop to that shit. Next Victus and Wrex both have an issue that need to be handled first: Victus needs Shepard to help his son disarm a bomb on the Krogan homeworld of Tuchunka, Wrex needs Shepard to go check on Grunt. Shepard ends up destroying the bomb, but Victus' son dies in the attempt. Next he goes to check on Grunt who is fighting the Rachni. When Shepard finds the Rachni queen however, it turns out that she has been forced to create troops for the "Reapers" and after he releases her she decides to help build the Crucible. Grunt decides to go down in a blaze of glory but he is so badass that it doesn't stick and he ends up in the hospital. Back to the Citadel. Miranda shows up and she needs help. Shepard gives her some Specter access and sends her on her merry way. He also runs into Kasumi who helps him save the Hanhar homeworld by blowing up and faking her death. She then goes to help out with the Crucible. One last stop back with Kaiden. Apparently he is going to be the second human Spectre, so good for him. He askes Shepard if they are still friends and as we know Shepard is a bro, so he says yes. Back to Tuchunka. Mordin is ready to cure the Genophage and both Eve and Wrex are alive so the Krogan are in good hands. The Dalatrass is a huge bitch and tells Shepard that if he cures the Genophage, she will pull all Salarian support from the alliance. She also tells him that the manner of spreading the cure was sabotaged years ago so if he keeps it a secret, the Krogan will think they are cured but they aren't. Not wanting to lie to a bro, Shepard tells Wrex and Mordin about the sabotage and the Dalatrass' deal. Mordin claims he can work around it and Wrex tells Shepard that his name will go down in Krogan history as meaning "Hero." Some "Reapers" show up and try to stop Mordin but Wrex has the brilliant idea to summon Kalross, the biggest Thresher Maw (think giant space worm with armor plating and acid spit) to kill the "Reaper." That just happens to be crazy enough to work and Kalross eats the "Reaper" allowing Mordin to release the cure. Unfortunately, the sabotage is much worse than anticipated and to make sure the cure works, Mordin gives his life. The Krogan Genophage ends but Shepard looses a bro. The Dalatrass calls Shepard just to tell him he is an asshole but most of the Salarian military decides that survival is worth more than some 1000 year old vandetta, so they join with the Krogan and Turian alliance. After all this you would think that Shepard deserves some down time, right? Wrong. After making a side trip to Grissom Academy to save some students from cerberus, David Archer and Jack are there as well, Shepard goes back to the Citadel. Once there he learns that Cerberus is attacking the place, specifically to take out the council. He manages to save the Salarian councillor from Kai Leng, an ex-Alliance now Cerberus douche bag with the power to make everyone arround him suddenly forget how to be badass. Unfortunately, Thane gets stabbed in the stomach in the process of saving the councillor. Leng runs off with Shepard in pursuit. Eventually Shepard catches up with the rest of the council who is being protected by Kaiden, now a Spectre. The Salarian councillor told Shepard that Udina is a traitor. Shepard tells Kaiden this and Udina pulls a gun out of his ass. Instead of letting Udina make demands, Shepard shoots him and kills him. Cerberus decides to cut their losses and leave the Citadel. The council saved, Shepard goes to the hospital to check on Thane. He is on his death bed because his illness coupled with the stab wound is just too much to bear and he dies with his son Kolyat and Shepard reading scripture. Leaving the Citadel, Shepard runs into Kaiden who wants to join Shepard's crew. Shepard is, as always, a bro and lets him join. Immediately going back to the Citadel, Shepard has some chats with his team mates. EDI wants to be Joker's robo-girlfriend, Shepard gives her some advise while looking uncomfortable. Next Kaiden and Liara try to get into Shepard's pants but he is too busy trying to save the galaxy to give them the time of day. Shepard then gets an e-mail from from the Quarians. They are going to try to take their homeworld of Rannoch from the Geth, and if Shepard helps them out then they will help with the Crucible. After talking with Legion in the last game, Shepard believes that war between the Quarians and the Geth would be a poor decision. Meeting up with Tali, who has become an admiral, Shepard helps destroy a Geth dreadnought that is brodcasting some "Reaper" code that is causing the Geth to be better fighters. On the dreadnought with Tali, Shepard voices his concerns about the war and Tali agrees with him. Then they find Legion being used to brodcast the code. Legion claims that he is being used against its will and will try to help stop the war if Shepard gets him out. Shepard is still a bro so he lets it out. The code disabled, the Quarians open fire in the ship, but Shepard and Tali are still inside. They manage to get out before the ship explodes and Shepard is pissed. He punches the admiral responsible for the attack and tells another one to screw off when she wants to experiment on Legion. Next Shepard mounts a rescue mission to save the only other admiral from death. After saving him and helping Legion rewrite some Geth, Shepard starts the assault on the main "Reaper" base. After using a hand-held targeting system to have the Normandy blow up a thing, a "Reaper shows up and tries to kill Shepard. Not having the patience to deal with that bullshit, Shepard has EDI make the Quarian's weapons system all link up with his targeting system. Shepard then dodges a shitload of laser attacks and blows up that "Reaper." Before it dies, the "Reaper" tells Shepard that Harbinger has spoken of him and considers Shepard to be the biggest threat the "Reapers" have ever seen. Then the Quarians decide to try to wipe out the Geth while they are momentarily out of commission. Legion decides to use the "Reaper" code to give the Geth true sentience in an attempt to save all the Geth. Not wanting to have to witness a genocide today, Shepard yells at the Quarians. He tells them that if they can believe for just one minute, the whole war could be over. Because the Geth want peace. They believe him but because a sacrifice is necessary to please the gods of plot, Legion dies to upgrade the Geth. You would think that after ending a 300 year old war in an afternoon, Shepard would deserve a break right? Fuck you, you're wrong! The Asari councillor pulls her head out of her own ass and gives shepard a call. She has some information about a Prothean artifact and wants to share. Shepard is told to go to the Asari homeworld of Thessia to find the data. On his way there he finds out that the "Reapers" are attacking Thessia, because nothing is ever easy. Shepard fights his way to the data, only to find out that the Asari are the most technologically advanced race because they like to keep secrets. It turns out that the Asari have had access to the artefact for thousands of years and didn't do dick with it. Before the artifact can tell Shepard anything important, Kai Leng shows up and acts like a superior asshole. What is supposed to be a hard bossfight ends up being a speed bump in game play. Unfortunately the cutscene after the fact gives the win to Kai Leng and he escapes with the data. Shepard leaves Thessia as the "Reapers" converge on the planet. The Asari councillor calls Shepard expecting good news but Shepard has failed. Everyone is sad but the game must go on. Shepard gets an e-mail from Miranda. She needs help because her dad is a dick and has kidnapped her sister. Heading to the supposedly safe Horizon colony, Shepard learns that the whole place is actually a front for a Cerberus research base. Cerberus has been turning colonists into "Reaper" zombie troops in an attempt to control them, and Miranda's father is the one responsible for the whole thing. After cleaning up another one of Cerberus' messes, Shepard finds Miranda who has been attacked by Kai Leng but managed to fend him off, thereby giving Kai Leng a total confirmed kill count of one terminally ill Drell for the whole game. Miranda's father has her sister at gunpoint but Shepard convinces him to let her go and Miranda kills his ass. She thanks Shepard and reveals that she put a tracker on Kai Leng so that Shepard can track him to the Illusive Man's base. Not wanting to start the endgame just yes because of all the unfinished dlc, Shepard returns to the Citadel. Once there he meets up with Aria, the Asari who used to rum Omega. She was kicked off of her asteroid by a Cerberus coup and wants Shepard to help her take it back. Being a bro Shepard agrees but only on the condition that Aria starts acting nicer to people. It turns out that Aria's plan is a suicide run because she doesn't give a shit about her people. After getting onto the asteroid, Shepard and Aria meet up with Nyreen, a Turian who used to be Aria's lover. She is leading the resistance against Cerberus and wants to help the people on Omega more than she wants Aria back in power. After some shenanigans involving Cerberus being dicks, Shepars trying to get Aria to be nicer, and Nyreen blowing herself up in asuicide attack against some Cerberus abominations, Shepard and Aria finaly attack and defeat the Cerberus leader. In a show of mercy, Aria spares his life so Shepard can interogate him. After that bullshit, Shepard finaly gets a break. Anderson tells Shepard that he can have his old apartment to chill in while the Normandy gets an upgrade. Joker tells Shepard to meet him at this sushi place but when he gets there, Shepard realises that Joker actually didn't send the message. An Alliance desk jockey named Brooks gets there and tells him that someone is trying to access his accounts. Then all helm breaks loose. Some dudes attack the sushi joint and Shepard falls through an aquarium to escape. More dudes attack but Tali and Wrex show up to help Shepard out. After they escape back to the apartment, Brooks tells them this guy who owns a casino that may know something. After the rest of Shepard's friends show up and argue who is the favorite, Shepard decides to take Wrex with him and Brooks to the casino. Because Wrex isn’t a party member in the regular game. After some bullshit they manage to break into the guy’s office only to find him already dead. Luckily Shepard is an engineer and knows stuff so they use the space version of *69 to call the last guy that called the dead guy. A familiar voice starts talking to them and he calls Shepard a punk ass. Tracing the call back to the Citadel archives, Shepard does something that he has never done before: he invites all of his friends with him to kick this guys ass. When Shepard gets there to meet the mysterious douche bag, he is surprised to learn that he is actually a clone of Shepard himself! Shepard ends up chasing his clone through the entire archives, all the while killing all of his dudes. Eventually Shepard get caught in a trap set up by the clone and it is revealed that Brooks was on the clone's side the whole time. Shepard, Wrex, and Tali end up locked in a vault with no means of escape. Instead of freaking out about it, Shepard and Wrex debate the clone saying “I should go.” Shepard swears he doesn’t sound like that but if he did, he would appreciate some feedback. After using Liara's VI to escape, Shepard finds out that the clone is trying to steal the Normandy. Shepard then fights his way on to the ship and through the last of the clone's dudes. Then he fights the clone and Brooks and kicks their asses. Towards the end of the fight, Shepard and the clone end up hanging off of the edge of the now open hanger of the Normandy. Shepard's friend help him up and Brooks doesn’t help the clone. Shepard, in an act of kindness, offers to save the clone, but the clone is a punk ass bitch and would rather die. So he lets go and ends up hitting a building at somewhere around 500 mph. Brooks gets arrested and Shepard gets to enjoy the rest of his shore leave. Which ends up consisting of hanging out with all of his still living friends once and throwing a party. Hungover but happy, the crew of the Normandy all set off to the endgame. Shepard calls Hacket an tells him to get some ships together to attack the Illusive Man’s base. At the base, Shepard learns some of the more screwed up shit Cerberus was up to and finds the Prothean data. Then he has a boss fight with Kai Leng that ends up with hi stabbing Kai Leng in the gut while saying “This is for Thane!” You know. Because Thane is the only one he managed kill. Anyway after the attack it turns out that the data that they were looking for just tells them that the missing piece of the Crucible, known as the Catalyst, was the Citadel the whole time! And that the “Reapers” have taken it to Earth while Shepard was busy. Shepard goes to Earth where he meets up with Anderson and they plan an attack that should get them onto the Citadel to activate the Catalyst. After Shepard fights through the best ground defense that the “Reapers” can field, Harbinger drops down to take shots at Shepard. With lasers that cut through giant space ships. And Shepard survives. He makes it onto the Citadel and meets up with Anderson, who also made it. They ae both seriously hurt but they manage to get to the control console. Then the Illusive Man shows up looking like he got his face scraped off by a cheese grater. He uses some new “Reaper” powers to make Shepard shoot Anderson in the gut. But using his Heroic Willpower, Shepard convinces The Illusive Man that he indoctrinated so he shoots himself in the head. Anderson bleeds out and Shepard passes out. He then wakes up and an AI that calls itself the Catalyst tells Shepard that he wins. Shepard gets to chose how he wins though. He can destroy the “Reapers,” but it would also  all AI, such  EDI and the Geth. He can control the “Reapers,” but doing so will digitize his entire being, so he dies. Or he can use Synthesis, which will force all organic and synthetic life to become something that is both at the same time, the “Reapers” would stop attacking, but Shepard would die as his body would dissolve in the process. After giving it some thought, Shepard opts for Control. Some flash backs happen and Shepard dissolves into the machine and a blue wave of energy erupts from the Catalyst. As this wave reaches "Reaper" forces, they all stop attacking and just leave Earth. The wave goes into the Relays and get sent throughout the whole galaxy. Then AI Shepard tells us about how he is gonna protect the whole galaxy and how dispite the fact that Shepard himself died, AI Shepard is a good guy too so don't worry about it. Some images show us that the whole story was told "PrincessBride" style from someone called the"Stargazer" to a child. the End.  This was a long ass story, but not the longest I will be telling on this site. I really enjoy the entire Mass effect series and highly recommended it to anyone who can handle three. 60 hour games.

 Requested by me, Commander Commander Shepard

The Mass Effect Trilogy Part 2

Alright, now to continue the adventures of Commander Commander Shepard. Mass Effect 2 opens with the Normandy SR-1 in space, searching for "Reaper" and Geth stuff. Out of nowhere this bigass ship shows up and plants it's metaphorical boot up the Normandy's metaphorical ass. 20 people die and Shepard gets spaced saving the pilot, Joker. Then he dies. That's right. Shepard dies in the first 5 minutes of this game. But it's not game over quite yet. A "Human first" terrorist group known a Cerberus gets Shepard's body and with some science, they manage to bring him back from the dead. Now with some scars and no idea what the hell is going on, Shepard has to fight his way through the Cerberus lab that is being attacked by robots. Not Geth this time though. He meets Jacob Taylor, who looks like Kanye, and grills him for info. It turns out that Shepard has been dead for two years and Cerberus is currently the only group who is taking the "Reaper" threat seriously. After fighting through more oh the base Shepard and Jacob meet up with Miranda Lawson, the woman in charge of bringing Shepard back from the dead. With her help they all escape. After they touch down on another Cerberus base, Shepard speaks with The Illusive Man, the head of Cerberus. (aka Jack Harper, but we don't know that unless we read the comics) TIM tells Shepard that Cerberus is looking into attacks on human colonies and needs Shepards help because the "Reapers" are probably involved. Shepard doesn't trust TIM or Cerberus but he has nothing else to go on so he agrees to help. TIM sends Shepard, Jacob, and Miranda to unvestigate a colony that just went dark. Once there Shepard meets Tali, from the first game, and she is there to find a missing Quarian. Tali doesn't trust Cerberus but Shepard convinces her that they can work together. The rest of Tali's squad says "Fuck that," and moves on to get killed by a giant robot. After finding the missing Quarian and learning that aliens called "The Collectors" is responsible for the attacks, Shepard gives him to Tali for medical attention and leaves, going back to TIM. After debriefing, TIM gibe Shepard a ship, the Normandy SR-2, that is a remake of the original Normandy, and Joker showes up to pilot the thing. TIM taskes Shepard with finding and stopping the Collectors and gives him some info about people he should recruit. First Shepard recruits Mordin Slous, a Salarian doctor. Then Garrus from the first game, who has been masquerading as some kind of space batman who kills bad people. Then a dlc character who is a bounty hunter named Zaeed Masani. Next he recruits Jack, an extremely powerful and crazy female biotic (space magic.) After that he picks up another dlc character, the best human thief Kasumi Goto. And finally he picks up a tank-grown Krogan who names himself Grunt. After all the team building, Shepard gets a call from TIM. One of humanity's colonies, Horizon, is being attacked by the Collectors. So Shepard drops everything to go save them. Things don't go as planned as he only gets there in time to save half the colony. After a bigass fight against alot of collectors, Shepard meets Kaiden from the first game. Happy that Shepard is alive but pissed that he is working with Cerberus, Kaiden leaves, and Shepard doesn't know if they are still friends. Back to recruiting. First off this time Shepard recruits Tali. Next he gets an Asari Justicar (think knight errant mixed with samurai) named Samara. After her Shepard picks up Thane Krios, a drell assassin. Then the loyalty missions begin. Shepard goes about the galaxy to fix all of his team members issues so they can all begin focusing on the mission at hand. Jacob deals with his daddy issues. Miranda finds her sister and deals with her daddy issues. Mordin stops an old student from undoing the genophage with barbaric methods. Garrus tries to kill one of his old team mates who betrayed him. Zaeed tries to kill an old partner who shot him in the head. Jack blows up a science facility that she grew up in and was experimented on. Kasumi kills the douche bag who killed her boyfriend. Grunt becomes a man by killing giant monsters. Tali deals with being accused of treason. Samara kills her daughter, who was some kind of alien space vampire. Thane stops his son from becoming an assassin. Then I start the dlc's. First Shepard visits the wreck of the first Normandy, where he finds the 20 dogtags of the dead crew members from the first game, then places a monument on the site. Next was The Lair of the Shadow Broker. Shepard helps Liara from the first game rescue a friend from, then become, the Shadow Broker. Along the way Shepard drives a car and kills another Specter who was a bitch. After that Shepard investigates Project Overlord, a Cerberus project that went wrong. A man named Gavin Archer tried to use his autistic brother David to speak with the Geth. After finding the horrible experiment that David is trapped in, Shepard pistol whips Gavin and threatens him with death. He takes David to Grissom Academy, where he can get treatment and help. Finally Shepard breaks an Alliance doctor, Dr. Kenson out of a Batarian prison to help stop another "Reaper" invasion. Unfortunately, her and her entire team have been indoctrinated and they attack Shepard. After stomping their shit in for five waves, a "Reaper" artifact turns on god mode and knocks out Shepard. He wakes up with only two hours before the invasion and single handedly fights his way through the base to start up the project to stop the invasion: ram an asteroid into a Mass Relay, destroying it and the surrounding star system to delay the "Reapers" for as long as possible. Shepard tries to inform the Batarian colony near by but is interrupted by Kenson. Shepard tries to convince her that she is indoctrinated but she blows herself up instead. This knocks out Shepard until only 15 minutes from the invasion. After fighting through whats left of the indoctrinated crew, Shepard has a conversation with Harbinger, the leader of the "Reapers" who basiclly tells Shepard to quit it. Shepard gets off the asteroid right before it hits the Relay and watches as the system is destroyed. In a debriefing with Admiral Hacket, the one who gave him the mission, Shepard promises to turn himself in to the Alliance for whatwas essentially terrorism. Hacket believes it when Shepard tells him that it was necessary to save the galaxy as a whole. Back to the base game. Miranda, Jack, and Tali all want to get into Shepard's pants but he is having none of that shit. He has a suicide mission to go on and doesn't have time for relationship bullshit. Anyway Shepard needs a "Reaper" IFF to go after the Collectors, who have been found. They are on the other side of a Relay that no one has come back from. So to get the IFF Shepard goes to a dead "Reaper" that should gave one. Once there he meets a non-hostile Geth who helps him in getting the IFF and destroying the not-completely-dead "Reaper." The Geth gets knocked out but back on the Normandy Shepard revives it. After naming it Legion, due to it having over 1000 Geth programs inside it, EDI, the ship AI, begins installing the IFF. Legion then tells Shepard about some Geth heretics that it can rewrite or destroy so that the "Reapers" can't use them a soldiers. Shepard decides to rewrite them so they are more like Legion and willing to work with organics. Then the crew of the Normandy, except Joker, get taken by the Collectors. Not wasting any time, Shepard begins the suicide mission. Because waiting would cause them to die. And Shepard saves everyone he can dammit! After going through the Relay the Normandy is attacked, but because Shepard bought all the upgrades for the ship, none of his team members die. Landing on the Collector base, Shepard has to split the team into his squad, 1 tech specialist, and everyone else. He has Garrus lead the second team and has Kasumi act as the tech specialist. After fighting through a bunch of Collectors, and saving Kasumi from lava death, the two teams meet up for the second split. This time he needs a biotic specialist, someone to escort his crew that he just rescued, and another team leader. Jack is chosen to be the biotic specialist, Mordin is the escort, and Garrus leads the second team again. Jack creates a barrier and keeps Shepard's squad for a huge room full of bigass bugs. Mordin checks in with no casualties. Garrus leads his team to victory. At the last meet up Shepard takes Tali and Jack with him to blow up the base while everyone else holds the line against the Collectors, because Tali and Jack are both useless at holding the line and may die if they don't have Shepard there to hold their hands. At the heart of the base Shepard finds the reason why the Collectors are kidnapping humans: they are being melted down and turned into a new "Reaper!" Deciding that this abomination should be destroyed, Shepard and co. blow it the fuck up. Then they set up the base to blow up as well, all the while giving The Illusive Man a big middle finger and wearing sunglasses. The Collector base blows up and everyone of Shepard's team gets out alive. Credits roll. The end.
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE FIRST PART, POSTED ON MONDAY, AND CHECK BACK ON FRIDAY FOR THE LAST GAME

Requested by me, Commander Commander Shepard

The Mass Effect Trilogy Part 1

Mass Effect. One of my favorite video game stories. Instead of talking about how great the games are, I will be telling the story of my latest play through of the trilogy. First the character creation. Let's start off with a name, Commander (firstname) Shepard. I dedided to name the character Commander, because I want to have my crew call me by my first name throughout the series. On to the background. Commander Commander Shepard was a Spacer (grew up on space ships with his parents) War Hero (basically single handedly fought off an entire invasion force while saving every one of his fellow soldiers.) My Shepard is an Engineer, the tech based class, so he is supposed to be a smart guy. This is important all of one time in the middle of a dlc for the third game. Anyway Shepard starts off his journey to be a paragon of humanity by participating in the first mission for the Systems Alliance's new Human-Turian joint project stealth frigate, Normandy SR-1. If you are already lost, that's okay. The game itself only tells you about all this shit in the ingame "Codex" that you never look at. It turns out that this shakedown run is actually a top secret mission to pick up an ancient artifact that was found at the Eden Prime human colony. These artifacts are full of technology that is so advanced that they have allowed humanity to go from rudimentary space travel to faster-than -light travel in less than 30 years. Anyway this mission also has a Turian Specter (galaxy special forces that answer to the galaxy government) named Nihlus on board to see how Shepard works. Shepard is a candidate for a position as the first human Specter. As they get close to the colony they learn that the colony is under attack. Robots called Geth are killing everyone and are suspected to be going after the artifact. Nihlus goes of on his own and Shepard leans his own squad, Kaiden Alenko and L. Jenkins, into the colony. Jenkins immediately dies because duh, and he is replaced by a new soldier named Ashley Williams. After finding Nihlus dead, because with a name like that he couldn't have loved long, Shepard goes on to save the colony, find the artifact, then blow up the artifact because it was broken and it filled his head with a confusing vision. After waking up back in the ship he tells his story and it turns out that the colony was attacked by a different Turian Specter named Saren. Shepard ends up appealing to the galactic government but they don't give a shit. After running around the Citadel, the seat of the galactic government, Shepard recruits a Krogan named Wrex, a Turian named Garrus, and a Quarian named Tali. With their help, mostly Tali, they prove that Saren is a dick and he is working with an Asari named Benezia to bring back something called "The Reapers." The council makes Shepard a Specter and tells him about Benezia's daughter who might know something. Shepard heads to the planet where she is supposed to be immediately. On that planet he fights some more Geth and finds Liara, Benezia's daughter, trapped in an ancient prothean ruin. He rescues her and the knows jack shit about her mother's plans, but she wants to help so Shepard gets his last party member. Next Shepard heads to the planet Noveria, where Benezia is supposed to be doing, something, its not really clear. After some shenanigans involving corporate bullshit, Shepard finds Benezia trying to do something with a supposedly extinct alien species, the Rachni. Benezia has been brainwashed, or "indoctrinated" by Saren so Shepard has to kill her. Before she dies she gives Shepard the location where Saren is hiding, but until we know how to get there we have to wait to go get him. Then Shepard talks to the Rachni queen and she promises to leave and never attack anyone. Shepard releases the Rachni, a race that has a whole war named for them, and considers this a good thing. Because genocide is bad. After the mission both Ashley and Liara both come on to Shepard, but the mission is too important so Shepard blows them off. Next he goes to the planet Feros, where Saren was sighted recently. Suprise, Geth are invading here too. After defeating the Geth, Shepard learns that the colony is being controled by this 100,000 year old plant that shepard kills. One of the people who was being controlled shares something called "the cipher" with shepard but it is just another vision that he cant understand. Next we learn that Saren has a science lab where he is cloning Krogan to create an army. Wrex is conflicted about this because due to a genetic plague created by the Salarians after the Krogan rebellions, the Krogan are more or less dying off. Shepard is a bro and tells Wrex that they aren't true Krogan, just slaves, so Wrex decides that he will help out with destroying the science base. In the base we fight more Geth, and learn that Saren's ship, known as Soverign, is actually one of the titular "Reapers" and it is a sentient machine. Shepard and co. decide to blow up the base but to do so a sacrifice must be made. Either Kaiden or Ashley need to be left behind, Kaiden is with a Salarian spec ops team and Ashley is with the bomb, and Shepard decides to save Kaiden and the Salarians. Ashley blows up with the lab but only Shepard and Kaiden are upset about it. Thats fine I guess because Ashley was kind of a space racist. Anyway now that we know where Saren is, how to get there, and that Sovereign is a "Reaper," we need to report to the council. After doing so they decide that instead of going after him immediately, it would be better to just brush off Shepard's warning and take away his ship. Deciding to fuck that noise, Shepard steals the Normandy and head's to Ilos. After almost landing on Saren and killing a bunch of Geth, Shepard learns from an ancient Prothean V.I. that Saren is going to attack the Citadel with Sovereign and if they succeed the "Reapers" will attack the galaxy and kill everyone. Not having enough time to get back the ship, Shepard drives a tank into a miniaturized version of the FTL devices, called Mass Relays, that takes him to the Citadel. There the battle with Sovereign is already underway. The council is trying to hide out on a ship and Shepard tells any Alliance ships in the area to try to keep them safe. After finding Saren and convincing him that he has been indoctrinated by Sovereign, Saren kills himself. But that doesn't stick and Sovereign takes control of Saren's body for a boss fight. After killing Saren again, the feeback from his avatar dying causes Sovereign to short circut and all of the space ships nearby blow him the fuck up. Then some debris lands on Shepard and we think hes dead but he is fine. The council thanks humanity for Shepard and offers them a seat on the council. Shepard recommends Anderson, his co from earlier in the game instead of Udina, this other jackass, because Udina is an asshole. Credits roll. The end.
CHECK BACK ON WEDNESDAY FOR THE SECOND GAME AND FRIDAY FOR THE THIRD

Requested by me, Commander Commander Shepard

Metal Gear Rising: Revengance

When I play videogames I usually rate them based on two criteria: story and gameplay. A good story is always first. I have played games that are unfun to play just because of how good the story was. Fun gameplay is next because no matter how dumb a story is, if the game is fun than I will play it. Metal Gear Rising: Revengance falls firmly in the second group. Ignoring the archaic word, (yes, revengance is a real word, look it up) this game's story is full of ridiculous shit. You play as a cyborg ninja named Jack but codenamed Raiden. You see, Raiden used to be a child soldier who grew up in Liberia. He worked for a man named George Sears, codenamed Solidus Snake, who went on to become president of the united states in the early 2000s. I will go into more detail on him some other day, he is a whole other ball of crazy. Anyway Raiden grows up to be pretty well adjusted all things considerded, and he joins a U.S. special forces unit called FoxHound. Some shit happens in a different game that i will review later. Fast forward to 2018. Raiden now works with a private security company called maverick. He gets attacked by a different PSC named Desperado while on a job in africa. This is where shit gets awesome. The first thing you do is get into a sword fight with an "Unmanned Gear," UG for short, that is three stories tall. You get into a fight with a giant robot. While you are a cyborg. Awesome. After you stomp it's shit in, you have to go same the president from some cyborgs and only you are a bad enough dude to do so. Next you fight on a train with a cyborg named sam who has a red sword so he is better than you. After you get your shit stomped in you get a new cyborg body and proceed to wage a one man war with Desperado. You fight a robot dog who becomes your dog-shaped-robot-buddy, a lady cyborg with a shitload of hands, a dude cyborg who you have a lot of trouble cutting because of magnets, a big guy cyborg who uses giant scissors, sam again, a giant spider-bot (that you defeat by cutting off one of its giant sword arms and having a giant sword fight) opperated by a U.S. senator who has "Nanomachines, son," and finally that same senator but now he is on foot. The story is dumb. You start in Africa, then you go to Abkhazia, the sewers of Mexico, Denver, Colorado, then finally Afghanistan. And it turns out the whole thing was an extremely complicated assassination attempt on the U.S. president. And something about using virtual reality to create child soldiers. That's just the story. Gameplay wise, you get to run around, cutting dudes and robots in half to get their left hands and their gatorade filled spines. All cyborgs and robots have these special healing and repairing apparatus inside them, usually attached to the spine, and when you cut them (the dudes) just right you grab the spine and crush it in your hands to absorb the electrolyte juices. They also glow a light blue color. One of the coolest things about this game was the ability to slow down time for precision cuts. This ability made it so you can cut dudes in cool ways. If you wanted to recreate the black knight you can. Not many games allow you to do that. In conclusion, i enjoyed this game and i highly recommend anyone who has 6 hours to kill should pick it up. I think used it goes for like $15.

Tl;dr: this game is dumb and fun.

Requested by me, again